It's my day, it's my day, it's my BIRTHday!

Well, here it is, my birthday.  Another year older and another year wiser. 

I'm sorta outta whack this year.  You see, something happened this week that has me shaken to the core.  Something that makes me wish it never had happened.  Something that I fear.  Something that has my heart aching; for my cousin, her husband and her two daughters.

You see, my cousin has a son named Ryan, who's the youngest in his family. He's 27.  I have another cousin who has a son named Nick, who's the youngest in his family.  He's 24.  I have a son who's the youngest in the family named Andrew.  He's 24.

My two cousins and I have always loved each other but something happened with each of our youngest children that built a strange, strong bond between us.  Each of us have had to deal with their addiction for at least the past 5 years.  Trouble with the law, overdoses, prison terms, rehabs, you name it, we've been through the wringer.

But something happened this week that has hit me in my gut.  My cousin's son named Ryan, on Tuesday, could no longer live with the pain and suffering of his addiction and depression, and this handsome, young gentleman decided to end his life by hanging himself.  His family was on their way to his outpatient facility for an emergency family meeting THEY called.  Withholding his methadone to keep him there until the family could leave work and get there, unbeknownst to him.

15 minutes before the family arrived, they gave him his methadone and Ryan left for the bus stop.  The family arrived at 11:05am, just 5 minutes late to find that they gave Ryan his meth and Ryan left for the bus stop.  Frantically his father and sister drove up and down the surrounding streets to see if they could find him.

After no success, they went back to the rehab and picked up my cousin who remained in case Ryan returned there.  They went home, only to open the garage and find this handsome, young, tortured man hanging.

I am heartbroken.  I fear that one day, I too will have this happen either by my son's choice because of the torment of drugs or by accidental overdose should he return to drugs.  Andrew's hospital visit last month where we feared for his life due to diabetic complications really shaked my entire spirit.  Going to the hospital to be with my cousin to support her as Ryan lie on life support, brain dead hit a raw nerve.  This tormented soul honestly believed his family hated him or at least told them he didn't feel like he was loved.  Oh my, the true fact is, Ryan was surrounded by a family that loved him and did everything in their power to help him beat this addiction.  They left no stone unturned.

Similar stories my two cousins and I have. 

Yes, it's my day, it's my day, it's my BIRTHday.  This year, as I blow out my candles instead of wishing, I think I will pray that the endings are all not the same.  I will pray that Ryan is now resting in peace, far removed from the struggles and torment he lived with day in and day out battling his depression and addiction.  I will pray that my cousin's and her family's wounds heal. I will pray that Andrew can remain strong and overcome his addiction.

Ryan made the decision to donate his organs.  This young man saved his parents that decision.  His choice to do so only goes to show he did have a huge heart and wanted to help others in the event of his death. 

I cannot write anymore now... I am spent.