Sad Anniversaries

January rolls around and I find myself getting sad as I celebrate (how ironic to use that word) the anniversary of my dad's death.  2015 finds me 'celebrating' the 28th anniversary of my dad's death.

Wow, 28 years sounds like a long time... and it is.  You would think it would get easier the longer that day goes in the past... but it is not.

He had beautiful blue eyes... like Paul Newman's.

I am grateful for the 27 years I had dad in my life but I wish I could have had him a few more years. (Okay all you math wizards... how old am I as I write this?)

I did have the final year of dad's life to get to know him better, for that I am grateful.  Some people never get that chance.

I found as I had my children, I'd say the same (mean) silly things to my kids as he'd say to us.  NOTE: the (mean) was my interpretation of what was being said as a child, however, as an adult saying it... I found it funny.

For instance, if we left a room, we were to turn off the light or if we opened the door in the winter, we were to close it as quickly after entering as we could.  Otherwise, we'd be greeted by dad with a, "I only work for the electric company, I don't own it... turn off the lights!" or a, "I only work for the electric company, I don't own it... I can't afford to heat all of Norwood!".

During his final year, I remember sitting in my parent's breakfast nook and talking with my dad over coffee. I said, "You know how you used to say that to us?", his response, "Yes."  Me, "How did you say that all the time and not laugh at us? I always thought you were being mean or hollering at us and yet, as I find myself saying the same silly stuff to my kids, I crack up!" (Oh I know he had conservation and costs on his mind when he'd say it... me too, but honestly, that's pretty funny... I don't own the electric company...)

I find myself a wee bit sad as each Jan 21st comes and goes and I miss my dad... all the 'what if he'd lived' enter my mind... would he have helped us and how would he have helped when hubby got injured in 1991?, would he have helped and how would he have helped with my youngest son during those formative years when hubby was not able to be a true 'dad' to him due to the disability and the personal issues he was dealing with on his own?

I am aware that these questions will never have answers and musing over them is a waste of time so I should not even give them a thought... but I can't help but wonder if all the drug issues with my youngest would have been (or could have been) avoided?  I am confident my father would have taken on a more 'fatherly' role and become the role model my hubby was not able to be at that time.  Perhaps a strict disciplinarian role.

You see, dad was a vet, a Gunnery Sargent who fought in WWII and the Korean War.  We were raised with that 3 square upbringing... he was a drill sargent to us.  We towed the line, we followed orders, we did our fair share, we served.

I don't recall my dad being a touchy, feely person but I never felt unloved either.  I believe he did the best he could and his style of raising us was very well complimented by my mother's style.

Oh, I ramble on... my apologies.

Last year, on this day, the day after I 'celebrate' dad's anniversary, a friend passed away.  So today, I recall and celebrate that friend... adding to the sadness I already feel.

Tomorrow is another day... tomorrow I shall pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

R.I.P. dad and Mary... I hope you are both in Heaven, having a blast and waiting to greet me when I head to those great pearly gates... but not just yet... I have lots I still want to do.

<3 ~M