Sometimes, a mother's love for her child hurts her.
You bring a life into this world and have hopes
and aspirations for that newborn life.
Maybe he/she'll be a cutie pie, tall, loving,
giving, funny, a lawyer, a sports hero, an artist, a fireman,
a cop, a stewardess, a farmer, a teacher, a model,
a movie star, a computer wiz, anything they want to be.
You work hard to ensure they are fed, sheltered and
most of all loved. Day in and day out you give up
things that would make you happy and sacrifice for
this little baby as it grows and becomes an adult.
You never think twice about what you have sacrificed
as long as your child is safe, healthy and loved.
You have dreams for your child.
Dreams they'll be smart and get an education.
Dreams they'll have the kind of childhood a kid should have.
Playing baseball, taking ballet, being on the offense AND
defense on the football team, taking art classes to be able
to express their inner-self, getting straight A's in school,
graduating at the top of their class (yeah some mom's have that
dream and some even are lucky to have it come true - talk to
MY mom!), going onto a successful career in which they are
happy and fulfilled, meeting the love of their life, sharing
picnics with their soul mate, marrying the love of their life,
buying their first house, starting a family. Living the
American Dream!
I could go on and on, but I believe, dear readers, you
catch my drift.
Hopes, aspirations, dreams and love that you never imagined
possible until this little precious life entered your life and
life as you knew it was changed forever. You can't remember
a time when he/she wasn't with you.
You have memories of him/her as a little one, their first steps,
first teeth (boy oh boy there were some sleepless nights, huh?),
first broken bone (and in some cases, fifth broken bone!), the
frogs that were brought home, the kittens that were carried
in those little hands and the big eyes looking up at you saying,
"Pweeeeeeeeezzzzeeee, Mom-my, I promise I will take care of it."
as years later you find yourself cleaning out the litter box all alone!
I want someone, somewhere to tell me when did a parent,
who loved their child as much as a human is capable of
loving someone, ever have hopes, aspirations and dreams
for the child's future to grow up and become addicted to
heroin?
Never in a million years, my dear readers...
never in a million years.
My broken heart does not ache,
it's a black hole,
devoid of any feeling at this time,
however...
my tear ducts overfloweth
and I am sad.
Sometimes, a mother's love for her child hurts her.
Guilty as charged.
I ache for you.. I know first hand the devastation that drugs in general and heroin in particular can do. Keep this foremost in your mind..it isn't your fault!
ReplyDeleteI will keep you in my thoughts.
~gail
Gail,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment and keeping me in your thoughts. I have struggled with my son and his addiction for so long and he has succumbed to the wicked drug once again.
I had to tell him last night that I no longer wanted him as a part of my life because I simply cannot go through this any longer.
When he was in the ICU in April, having died and been brought back, I told him God granted him a new lease on life. He was a very, very lucky person to have survived his diabetic/self-inflicted heroin withdrawl episode.
I informed him, that since God saw reason to save him from death's door, I would bring him home once again, give him a FINAL chance to start anew and support him if he struggled with going back to heroin. The caveat was, if he chose heroin over his family that absolutely loved him, we'd write him off.
Not because we did not love him but because there are ALWAYS more than just the addict himself that is affected by the dependency to heroin. Not only was HIS life being ruined, but ours were too and frankly, I have lived the ups and downs (and some downs have been really low) and to save myself, I simply could not go through it another time.
Oh, I know I have tried to do everything within my control to help this child (young man, but always a child to me) and I have had to come to the conclusion to Let Go and Let God, in His almighty wisdom.
My fear (and I have nightmares) is that I will be like my cousin Kathy, who recently buried her young son, another heroin casualty. I don't want to have to bury him, but deep down, seeing that he's not been able to keep clean, I think I will one day lay him to rest in eternal life... and it breaks my heart.
I admire your strength and convictions for your family. Your choices haven't been easy but I firmly believe you have made the right ones. Addiction doesn't just affect the addict.. but the whole family and you have to protect yourself as well as those around you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there sweetie..
Warm hugs from Utah
g